Revenge Is A Dish Best Served Nude
by SuchSights
Summary: Draco is celebrating getting Harry and Twins a life long Quidditch ban in the Hog's Head when the twins arrive looking to get drunk... Expect both Fire Whiskey and fire crotches before its done!  Draco/Fred/George slashy goodness inside - be warned.
1. Chapter 1

**Authors note: **This story was written in response to the infamous dollface 's challenge, 'For the Love of All Things Slash' on the Harry Potter Fanfiction Challenges forum. It's set directly after the chapter 'The Lion and the Serpent' in The Order of the Phoenix. For anyone who doesn't remember, its right after the first Quidditch match and Umbridge has just given the life long quidditch bans to Fred, George and Harry for attacking Draco.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Harry Potter, more depressingly i also don't own a pair of red headed twins.

**Revenge Is A Dish Best Served Nude**

_This has been a good day, _Draco thought to himself. _No, strike that. Good is far too mild a word for it. This, this has been a **magnificent** day._

Admittedly it wasn't on the surface what a lot of people would consider a great day. He'd lost his Quidditch match, and his nose and jaw still ached from Potter and George Weasley's punches - but it had been worth it. Totally one hundred percent, worth it. Montague and the others hadn't stopped going on about Draco's failure to beat Potter to the Snitch since the match finished though, even Crabbe and Goyle had mentioned it! Well, if the rest of his team mates were too plebeian to see that crushing your enemies spirits was more important than losing one stupid game, that was their problem.

_Still, if they weren't all such idiots I would never have felt the need to sneak out to this dive_, Draco thought, looking about the empty Hog's Head Pub with distaste. _At least that grotty looking barman managed to find me a half clean glass._

Technically Draco wasn't allowed to come down to Hogsmead whenever he felt like of course. But he felt pretty sure that with Dolores Umbridge increasingly in charge he wouldn't be in much trouble even if he did get caught. Having someone sensible finally starting to take charge at Hogwarts was definitely working out well for him.

With a big smile, Draco drained the last of his butter beer and stood up to leave just as the doors opened and two new people entered the pub. Fred and George Weasley.

The two red heads were busy talking to one another as they entered, and it took them a moment to spot Draco, who in turn stood frozen staring at them. For a moment no one moved or spoke.

_Crap! Did they follow me here?I knew I shouldn't have left Crabbe and Goyle behind. _Draco thought desperately. _Well, even if they are here to carry on what they started before I won't make it easily for them. _

Draco's hand began to inch towards his wand, both of the twins silently following suit.

"We'll have none of that!" The scruffy look barman shouted, startling them all and brandishing his own wand. "If you want to drink, then sit your arses back down and drink. If you want to fight, then get the hell out of my pub before you do it." He told them sternly and with surprising force for all his goat like appearance.

"Sorry." said George.

"Yeah, sorry. We're here to drink." Fred added.

"And I was just leaving. I didn't think it was possible but the smell in this place just got worse." Draco said with a sneer.

Fred and George looked at one another.

"Do you think young Master Malfoy was suggesting we smell Fred?" George asked his brother innocently.

"Couldn't be George; we took a bath last week. Maybe he just farted."

"Often take baths together do you?" Draco asked, choosing to ignore the other part of Fred's statement.

"Course we do Draco, how else would we clean all those hard to reach places?" Fred replied with a slight leer.

Distracted by the image of the twins soaping each other up, Draco took a little too long to reply.

We a knowing glance at each other the twins moved to stand on either side of Draco.

"There's a bit of a problem with you leaving Draco." George said quietly, shaking his head in mock regret.

"Yep." Fred agreed "You see Draco, we know what a slimey little git you are, and the first thing you're going to do if you leave is run and tell toad-face Umbridge that we're here."

"And you see, we really feel like getting drunk. We've had something of a bad day, haven't we Fred?" George continued.

"We have George, a pretty shitty day in fact."

As Draco listened he debated with himself whether he could make it to the door before the Weasleys could stop him.

"You see Draco, some little rat-" Fred went on.

"More of a ferret really, I can definitely see him more as ferret." George interrupted.

"You're right George, definitely a ferret. Anyway, this little ferret said some very unpleasant things about our family. Very unpleasant." Fred growled.

"And then after he got just a little bit of what was coming to him, he managed to get off scot free, while us two and Harry got banned from Quidditch for life." George said, giving Draco an ominous glare.

Draco smirked at them, but stayed silent, still wondering if he could get away before they did anything.

"So you can understand why after a day like that, we'd like to have a few drinks." George said, putting a hand on Draco's shoulder and pushing him back down into his seat.

"And as we can't do that if you run off and tell toad-face, you're going to have to stay here and join us while we do it." Fred finished for his brother, taking a seat to Draco's left.

"We also really think that you should be the one to buy the drinks, as a sort of apology. Besides, like you're always telling people - we haven't got any money and you're loaded." George smiled at the younger boy, taking the seat to Draco's right.

Draco raised a pale eyebrow.

"And why the hell would I want to drink with scum like you? The barman's not going to let you touch me."

"Maybe, but we wouldn't try anything in here, would we George?"

"No, I think we'd just have to follow him out and beat the snot out of him, don't you Fred?"

Draco went a little paler but did his best to look unafraid.

"You'll do that anyway – or you'll try at any rate." Draco said, trying and not quite succeeding in sounding sure of himself.

"No we won't. Simple deal, you buy the drinks and we don't hurt you for the rest of tonight."

"No promises about tomorrow though." Fred added.

"And why should I trust anything you say?" Draco asked

"Because we're not filithy lying, two faced-"

"Ferret-y"

"Ferret-y, Sytherins." George explained as though it was obvious.

Ignoring the crack about his house, Draco though about it.

"Alright. Deal." Draco said through gritted teeth.

"Good choice." Fred said, clapping him on the back slightly harder than strictly necessary.

"And don't forget – you're buying."

Draco rolled his eyes.

"I realise that have to buy a few drinks probably seems like nightmare to you – I mean it'd cost the same as your house. But for the rest of us it's hardly a big deal. Order what you want, it'll be nice for you. You can see what having money is like for once in your lives." Draco drawled, buffing his nails on his shirt and giving them both a smarmy grin.

The twins smirked right back.

"Barkeep!" Fred yelled, "Two bottles of your finest Fire Whiskey! Money is no object!"

"And three of your finest glasses!" George called

The barman glared at them.

"As it turns out money is an object, and i'll be seeing yours before you get your drinks."

"Pay the man Draco, and give him a little something extra for the excellent service." Fred said with aplomb.

Glaring at the twins Draco put a purse heavy with galleons on the table and opened it for the barman to see.

Grunting in response the barman picked out three slightly less dirty glasses, and two large dusty bottles, and put them all of a filthy tray. Coming round the bar he deposited the tray on the boy's table with a thump and a sour look as though serving customers was great inconvenience.

"Four galleons." he demanded holding out his hand.

"Four galleons! I could buy this whole place for that!" Draco protested.

"Hmmm, I didn't realise being rich involved worrying so much about money, did you George?"

"Can't say I did Fred."

Glaring at the brothers, Draco counted out the coins and dropped them into the barman's waiting hand.

Mutter something about goats being better than people, the barman took the money and went back round the bar where he promptly started to read the paper and ignore them.

"You know this actually looks like good stuff." Fred said looking at the bottles appreciatively.

"Well anything that wasn't brewed in a rusty old bath tub would look god to you peasants." Draco muttered.

"Your right Draco, we're men of simple taste. Thank you so much for generously broadening our horizons." Fred said blinking back fake tears and clutching his hand to his chest.

Filling each glass about half way with the deep amber liquid, George passed one to his brother and another to Draco, taking the third himself. Raising his glass and taking a long drink, he smacked his lips and grinned at Draco.

"And who knows, by the end of the night maybe we'll have broadened yours"

_What in the hell does that mean?_ Draco thought, frowning as he took the first sip of his own drink.

Fred matched his brothers grin.

"Drink up boys, drink up!"

_/_

**Post story note: **This was going to be a one shot but I think it has more potential than I first thought :P Its not going to be a long one though, so probably only one or two more chapters to come – though I fully intend to have them dripping with filth.


	2. Chapter 2

**Revenge is a Dish Best Served Nude**

**chapter 2**

Draco had drank Firewhiskey before, but not often or in any great amount. His father naturally had only the best types of alchol at home – anything aged under twenty five years was absolutely forbidden from entering the house. Draco's experiences of anything stronger than the odd glass of wine over dinner had, until now, been strictly limited. The odd glass at Christmas or on those rare occasions when his father had been entertaining the great and the good and included him in the after dinner brandy. All of this meant that Draco had never really developed a taste for strong liquor.

_I'll be damned if I'm going to let these bloody Weasleys' see it though,_ Draco thought fiercely, as he tried not to grimace at the large glug of Firewhiskey Fred was topping his glass up with.

The three boys had made there way through a little more than half of the first bottle so far, Draco drinking in awkward silence, the twins grinning to one another and repeatedly prompting him to 'drink up'.

"You know Draco, your stuck here with us so you may as well try and enjoy yourself instead of sitting their with a face like a cats arse." George said as Fred finished topping everyone up.

"Enjoy myself? With the two of you? I hardly think that's likely." Draco sneered, then paused and added. "And I don't have a face like a cats arse(!)"

"Of course you don't - you've got a _woverly wittle _face!" Fred said as though talking to a baby and pinching Draco's cheek.

The look this caused on Draco's face resulted in both of the Weasleys chocking on their drinks with laughter. Draco sighed heavily.

"And you tell me to enjoy myself." he muttered

"Oh come on now, we're not so bad. Some people rather like our company." Fred protested, a look of pure innocence on his face.

"And some people definitely _enjoy us_, don't they Fred? Even a few people from your house Draco."

"Oh, yeah – remember Daphne Greengrass, George? She _enjoyed us _so loudly I kept expecting someone to come see what all the noise was." Fred grinned at his brother.

"Urgh, you're disgusting both of you. Not that I believe a word of it – no one in Slytherin would touch blood traitors like you."

_Even if they are sort of hot_, a fuzzy part of Draco's mind said.

George leaned in and gave Draco a lewd wink.

"Well our private photo album doesn't quite agree – in fact there is all kinds of touching. Hands on breasts, hands on bums, hands on co-"

"Alright! I get it!" Draco protested, finding the images he had popping into his head both unsettling and appealing.

_God, i'm really feeling the Firewhiskey – that must be it, _Draco reassured himself.

"Mouths on di-" George continued as though Draco had never interrupted.

"Enough already(!)" Draco said, trying to look disgusted. "So is this what's meant to be fun is it? Listen to you two louts brag about sex you've probably not even had?"

"We weren't bragging – just pointing out that not everyone seems to have the same problems with us you do." George said holding up his hands.

"Tell you what, why don't we just play a drinking game?" Fred suggested.

"Like what?" Draco asked sceptically.

"Well i'd suggest Truth or Dare, but I don't really think Mr Cheerful the barman would put up with it long if we start doing more than sitting and drinking... so how about...Truth or Drink?"

"Truth or Drink?"

"We take turns asking each other personal questions, and if you won't answer – you do a shot."

"You have to be kidding." Draco said, his voice dripping with contempt.

"Or we could go back to telling which bits are touching which in our photos?" George suggested.

"Oh for God sake! Fine, we'll play the stupid game." Draco huffed.

_If these idiots think I'm telling them a single personal thing about me, they're even dumber than I thought. Hell, they'll probably be lying as well. _Draco decided

"Right first things first." George said, pulling something out of his pocket and placed it on the table.

It was a Sneakoscope.

Seeing Draco's look of disbelief, George grinned.

"How else will we know everyone's telling the truth?"

_Well, so much for lying_

Fred poured everyone a good measure of Firewhiskey (the first bottle was now all but empty), and then set out the rules. Any question was OK, refusing to answer a question meant you had to drink, being caught in a lie meant two drinks.

"Draco, you can ask the first question." Fred said generously.

/

Post story note: Please review and let me know what you think – never written these characters before so i'm not too sure if they seem right


	3. Chapter 3

**Authors note: **Well this one is turning out to be quite a bit longer than I originally imagine – ah well, lets see where it ends up going :P

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Harry Potter, but if anyone fancies buying me the rights that would be lovely.

**Revenge Is A Dish Best Served Nude Part 3**

"Alright then," Draco said after a lengthy pause, "did you two of you really screw Daphne Greengrass?"

"We did indeed." Fred said glibly.

"Repeatedly." George added.

"And in a verity of interesting positions." Fred finished with a smirk.

Draco glanced down at the sneakoscope and saw that it remain perfectly still.

_Well, Daphne is not going to live this one down. _Draco thought to himself. _Of course it might be worth saving unless I ever want something from her._

"Alright Draco, my turn. Have you ever had your nose so far up Snape's arse that you fell in?" George asked seriously, expression thoughtful, leaning in for the answer.

"Get fucked Weasley." Draco snapped.

"The night is young Draco, the night is young." George said with a grin at his brother. "Anyway, should we take that as a yes or a no?"

"A no." Draco growled.

To Draco's great irritation both twins made a point of staring at the sneakoscope for a full minuet before continuing, holding up a hand for patience when he protested.

"See Draco this is fun, we're learning all kinds of things about each other – because you know, I really thought that you had." Fred said to the fuming Slytherin.

"We certainly told people you had." George said, nodding in agreement with his brother.

Draco took another sip of his drink and ignored them.

"Right my question-" Fred started

"No its mine again." Draco said, interupting him.

"No, you asked the first one, then George asked, so now its me."

"Oh please, you two are basically the same person, and i'm not going to answer two questions for every one that I get to ask." Draco replied scornfully.

"Hmm, just want to check something. You do know that there really are two of us sitting here, right?" Fred said peering at Draco.

"Yeah, there really are Draco – it's not just the firewhiskey making you see two of everything."

"You both know damn well what I mean." Draco told them, glaring at them both.

"Well, he's not very sporting is he George?"

"Well he is a Slytherin Fred, I think 'always try to cheat' is their house motto. But he did very kindly offer to buy us these drinks, so humour the poor boy."

"Oh alright then." Fred said with a theatrical sigh. "Go on Draco, your turn."

With a smug smile at having got his way Draco pondered what to ask, and then remembered something they had said earlier.

"Do you two really bath together?"

_Why in the hell did I ask that?_ Draco wondered, unwilling to admit the image of the two red heads washing each other was still floating around his head.

"Of course, its communal showers for all of us not evevated to the lofty heights of prefect." George grinned at him.

"You know that's not what I meant, do you two really... you know _wash_ each other?" Draco asked, trying to ignore the fact that he was fairly sure he was blushing.

The twins looked at one another, finally Fred shrugged and gave his brother a grin.

"Well, now and again its nice to have someone else to wash your back for you." George said with dirty smile.

"That isn't an answer." Draco protested.

"Hmmm, so you really want to know do you Draco?" Fred asked with a knowing smile. "Alright then, yes. We really do _wash_ each other, as a matter of fact we quite often _wash_ each other all over."

"Of course so bits are dirtier than other so we tend to take a bit longer washing them." George added, grinning at his brother.

"I always thought you were probably a couple of perverts." Draco scoffed, trying even harder to ignore the rush of blood to his privates than he had to his cheeks.

"That's pretty rich coming from someone who's been inside Snape's arse." George said lightly.

"No George, we were wrong about that one – remember?"

George slapped himself on the forehead.

"You're right Fred – just hard to change a long held belief isn't it?"

"It's your question. Get on with it."

"OK then." Fred said, giving Draco a nasty smile. "Are you turned on by the idea of me and George in the shower together Draco? Rubbing each others bodies with soap, touching each others-"

"No I bloody well am not!" Draco shouted

The sneakoscope on the table spun violently into life, crashing into Georges glass.

"Oh! Looks like we have a liar on hands Fred!"

"You know what that means, two drinks for not admitting how sexy you find us!" Fred grinned trumphantly, pouring two large measures into Draco's glass.

"You're sneakoscope is obviously faulty – if it even is a real sneakoscope and not some trick." Draco argued, blushing even more than before.

"Well, if you don't trust the scope there is a much simpler way to check if you're turned on." George said, reaching under the table and grabbing a shocked Draco's aroused crotch, and starting to gently massage.

Torn between outrage and the fact that it really did feel rather good, Draco froze.

"Seems like the scope was working pretty well to me Fred, what do you think?"

Rather than answer, Fred slid his own hand along Draco's thigh to joined his brothers, rubbing softly against the tent in Draco's trousers.

"You're right George – seems like a hardon to me." Fred said in a conversational tone after a moment.

Draco suddenly found his throat was very dry.

"Well Draco, drink up." George said with a wink as he and his brother both took away their hands and sat back in their chairs.

_Oh God, what have I gotten myself into? _

_/*****/_

**POST STORY NOTE: **Hope you enjoyed, and please review!


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